Last couple of weeks have been a ride, a complete emotional drain. This is a simple reflection on what happened, and how I coped with it.

Come Monday, the end of August, and a family member goes to the hospital for urgent care. Stuck for the week, as parent responsibilities pile on work, and my studies. Stressed out, go to a work meeting, in which it appears I’m speaking in an alien language. Beyond depressed, not a productive day, move along.

Come Tuesday, slept in, barely make it to the bus. Arrive to Lisbon, and within a minute of exiting the bus, get my wallet stolen by a pickpocket. Block credit cards, and search for it for 15m, call dad, to deal with on doing the same with the card that was not my own. Call lost and found, spend an hour of hell, go to work, to be stressed out over being behind. Spend all lunch reporting to the police station. Return to work, get annoyed over yesterday’s meeting, get pissed at a colleague, move on.

Come Wednesday, and I’m numb. Took the day off, spent most of the day dealing with bureaucracy. Remake my transport card, by spending an hour there. Remake my ID card, by spending an hour there. Remake my bank card online, after spending a quarter of an hour at the bank agency, be misinformed, and having a near miss on being locked out of my account.

Come Thursday, feel like shit. Pissed over the rest of the week, actually get work done. Get an existential crisis over my studies. Have a quite productive day. Spend time with the kid and the miss. At night drink a couple pints, breaking my dry month and half. Sleep like shit.

Come Friday, didn’t finish all I wanted the day before, but still on the move. Get pressured, be as profane as I can by myself, still nearly finish everything, but not quite. Night falls, children go to sleep, and I go to drink.

The weekend was fine and mostly dry. Had a family event, saw the family, it was good. I missed some of them a lot. Got pissed over some injustice pertaining my brother, got home. In the midst, went to take my child to a couple of birthday parties, and they were uneventful. I was quite dead inside in both, trying to hide it.

Come Monday, again same story, different week. Got pressured, lost motivation, barely delivered. Had to deliver, forced myself to stay awake until I finished a blocking part, and went for a walk, before, during and afterwards. Slept shit.

Come Tuesday, slept in, barely awake. Coffee up like a champ, had some progress, repeat yesterday’s pattern. Had no energy to push through, got stuck. Need to read, need inspiration, but no energy for it. Slept early.

Come Wednesday, stayed remote. Stressed over Thursday exam, barely studied or slept for a week. Expected disaster to come. Tried my best to solve my work problems, but failed. Tried to sleep early, and failed. My nervous system was shouting. Went out, had a couple pints, wrote “Ecce Homo”, returned home, went to sleep.

Come Thursday, bombed the exam in the morning. Got my nervous system so wired over the exceedingly incompetence of a question of the exam, in which axioms weren’t listed, simply quit. Hot afternoon, couldn’t focus. Repeat yesterday’s night, except I didn’t care about my studies. Edited and finished writing “Serão Saudades?”.

Come Friday, a bit depressed over the previous day. Difficulty working, scorching sun, tried to walk a bit to calm down. Couldn’t read or think. Had a breakthrough but not enough energy to close the week. Went out for dinner with the family, relaxed a bit, but I’m exhausted. Leave them sleeping, go out, have a pint, and now writing these words.

What a couple of emotionally draining weeks!

The only thing good out of them is that I’ve seen my family, wrote a bit, and my family member is improving. Had their health declined, I must say it’d be ten times harder, and close to impossible to persist.

Didn’t read too much this week, and maybe that’s why it didn’t go as well as I wanted. I also walked less than the week before. It helps to clear the mind. I experienced severe brain fog for the last couple days.

Lessons learned? Keep your belongings to yourself, and be careful. Ignore the cunts in your life, don’t drink too much, or too little, and find space for your goals. In a week’s time, I hope to have forgotten of these two. There’s no point in wailing, but it does feel good to narrate them like a zombie.

It feels like doing bureaucracy, and requiring nearly no mental energy. It’s actually quite cathartic. It’s like cleaning your room, or having a shower, or just saying fuck it, and go for a pint. Please do find someone to keep you company, and don’t be a loner like me. It does have the advantage of using time more effectively to think about life.

Oh, I forgot another two. Fuck social media, and fuck LLMs! Brought me nothing but pain and suffering, and it looks like it is not my lack of skill using them, but my standard of getting it actually fucking done.